Romance and the INTJ

"In love, too, though he felt a deep need for it, he often felt himself incapable, frightened." -- Ray Monk on Ludwig Wittgenstein
Like all types, INTJs resist their least-developed functions and attempt to avoid situations in which they'll come into play. It should be granted, however, that Sensation and Feeling, the INTJ's weakest functions, cannot be avoided wholesale in the course of a normal human life. These functions are our means of concrete embodiment--our physical pleasures and desires, our emotional connections with others, our love of home and hearth, our sense of being grounded and real.

INTJs appreciate these things well enough, but more in the abstract than in the messy realities of everyday existence. Regarding most events as arbitrary arrangements of elements, to be dismantled and reassembled at will, they may find it difficult to assume the duration of another's affection or interest in them.

In general, these types deal with feelings the way they deal with ideas--by formulating and explaining them to themselves so they know what to expect, or getting far enough outside them to resist their influence. In an INTJ's mind, friendships require a particular kind of investment; sexual connections another; marriage another. Such types want to know which category they're dealing with before they get involved.

But real relationship is unpredictable, and real people resist the categories the INTJ attempts to apply. In fact, sexual attraction and romantic infatuation usually catch these types by surprise. And although they enjoy the distinct pleasures of sensuality, the careening roller coaster of emotions that comes from the territory ultimately forces them to use their inferior functions...

-- Personality Type, An Owner's Manual (Lenore Thomson)

You are the most independent and strong-willed (some might say stubborn) of all the LoveTypes. Once you make up your mind to do something--whether it's starting or ending a relationship, or anything in between--you will do what you want to do. And God help anyone who tries to dissuade you.

-- Lovetypes: Discover Your Romantic Style and Find You Soul Mate (Alexander Avila>

Thus, generally speaking, dating for Rationals is neither entertainment (as it is for Artisans), social participation (as it is for Guardians), nor deep bonding (as it is for Idealists); rather, dating for Rationals is a sometimes difficult search for a person they deem worthy of their personal investment.

...

The most independent of all the types, INTJs want their mates to be independent as well, able to stand up the sometimes formidable strength of their personality. Courtship is a special problem for Masterminds, since they regard the selection of a proper mate as a rational process, a matter of finding someone who correlates highly with their mental list of physical and intellectual requirements. They know quickly--usually on the first or second date--whether or not a relationship has any future, and they will not waste their time on courtships that seem to hold little promise. In general, Masterminds rely on their head and not their heart to make these choices, and at times, therefore, they will seem cold and calculating. Even in more casual social situations, they may appear cold and may neglect to observe small rituals designed to put others at ease. For example, INTJs may communicate that time is wasted if used for idle chitchat, and thus people receive a sense of hurry from them which is not always intended. Make no mistake, the emotions of an INTJ are hard to read, and neither a male nor female of this type is apt to be very outgoing or emotionally expressive. On the contrary, they have a strong need for privacy, and they do not enjoy physical contact except with a chosen few. For all that, however, Masterminds are deeply emotional, even romantic types, and once they have decided a person is worthy of them, they make passionate and loyal mates, almost hypersensitive to signals of rejection from their loved one.

-- Please Understand Me II (David Keirsey>

Personal relationships, particularly romantic ones, can be the INTJ's Achilles heel. While they are capable of caring deeply for others (usually a select few), and are willing to spend a great deal of time and effort on a relationship, the knowledge and self-confidence that make them so successful in other areas can suddenly abandon or mislead them in interpersonal situations.

This happens in part because many INTJs do not readily grasp the social rituals; for instance, they tend to have little patience and less understanding of such things as small talk and flirtation (which most types consider half the fun of a relationship). To complicate matters, INTJs are usually extremely private people, and can often be naturally impassive as well, which makes them easy to misread and misunderstand. Perhaps the most fundamental problem, however, is that INTJs really want people to make sense . :-) This sometimes results in a peculiar naivete', paralleling that of many Fs -- only instead of expecting inexhaustible affection and empathy from a romantic relationship, the INTJ will expect inexhaustible reasonability and directness.

Probably the strongest INTJ assets in the interpersonal area are their intuitive abilities and their willingness to "work at" a relationship. Although as Ts they do not always have the kind of natural empathy that many Fs do, the Intuitive function can often act as a good substitute by synthesizing the probable meanings behind such things as tone of voice, turn of phrase, and facial expression. This ability can then be honed and directed by consistent, repeated efforts to understand and support those they care about, and those relationships which ultimately do become established with an INTJ tend to be characterized by their robustness, stability, and good communications.

-- TypeLogic (Marina Margaret Heiss)