101 You develop a 1 to 10 warning system for your gas attacks.
102 You prefer to walk the excess length off your jeans rather than hem them.
103 You can name the entire cast of THE DUKES OF HAZARD, but not your congressman.
104 The primary color of your car is Bond-O.
105 You list tick removal as a skill on your resume.
106 Your mounted deer head sports a baseball cap and sunglasses.
107 Your bra size is higher than your S.A.T. score.
108 Directions to your house include "turn off the paved road."
109 The dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
110 You can't spell your name without looking at your belt.
111 You have to dress up the kids to go to K-Mart.
112 You think the Battle of the Bulge is an argument between your wife and mother.
113 You've ever had to turn your truck around because of bridge clearance restrictions.
114 You view duct tape as a long-tern investment.
115 The last thing you read was a syphilis pamphlet at the clinic.
116 You think the Bud Bowl is real.
117 Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
118 You think the Super Bowl is a top of the line bathroom fixture.
119 Every workday ends with the same argument about who gets to ride in the cab of the truck.
120 No matter which side of the track you live on, it's the wrong side.
121 There is the equivalent of 3 large orders of fries scattered on the floorboard of your car.
122 The "Save Naugahyde" protection group chooses your house as a picket site.
123 You get your daily requirement of fiber from toothpicks.
124 You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
125 Tour and your wife's family reunion are one and the same.
126 You've ever been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
127 During your wedding ceremony the minister said, "Do you, DeWayne, take Connie to be your old lady?"
128 You can drink beer through your nose.
129 You wore a three-day growth of beard before Don Johnson.
130 Your TV remote control is your son Junior.
131 Someone asks to see your marriage license and you have to dig through the back floorboard of the G.T.O.

201 You have three first names.
202 Your family business requires a lookout.
203 Your wife answers to "Cuz."
204 You have to take the entire day off work to get your teeth cleaned.
205 Anything outside the Lower 48 is :overseas."
236 Your husband chews the same brand of tobacco as your mother-in-law.
207 You've ever hollered, "You kids quit playing on that sheet metal."
208 Your neighbor has ever asked to borrow a quart of beer.
209 You've ever rolled your riding lawn mower.
210 You cried the day your son tapped his first keg.
211 You repair your Styrofoam cooler with duct tape and bubble gum.
212 Drying your clothes depends on the weather.
213 The cockroaches left you a note saying, "Clean this place up!"
214 Someone says that your mother wears army boots and you say, "So?"
215 You can eat a McDonald's cheese burger in one bite.
216 Your best linens have "Property of Motel 6" printed on them.
217 You have to honk your horn when pulling into your driveway to keep from killing chickens.
218 You've ever worn camouflage pants to church.
219 You think safe sex is when the participants are married to each other.
220 You have eight cars and still have to bum a ride to work.
221 The original color of your carpet is an unsolved mystery.
222 The hood of your truck is higher than the roof of your house.
223 Your local ambulance has a trailer hitch.
224 Your idea of a big Saturday night is drinking beer and burning trash.
225 You know how to milk a goat.
226 Your local funeral home has a neon sign in the window.
227 Your dog goes "oink."
228 You write off a radiator as a business expense.
229 For your anniversary you take your wife to dinner at the Wal-Mart snack bar.

301 You think the Yellow Pages have something to do with training a puppy.
302 You have season tickets for the tractor pull.
303 You refer to your van as "The Love Machine."
304 Your family talks just like professional wrestlers.
305 You have Mason jars filled with stuff the FBI can't identify.
306 You sell rabbits out of your car.
307 Your Uncle Bob died peeing on an electric fence.
308 Your new sofa was on a curb in another part of town yesterday.
309 Your idea of water conservation is moving your Saturday night bath to every other Saturday.
310 You think espresso means 8 items or less.
311 You've never stayed in a hotel without stealing something.
312 All of your relative's cars have "Tag Stolen" signs in the rear window.
313 Your hunting dog fetches more beer than birds.
314 You keep a pellet gun by the front door.
315 You think "recycling" means going home from work.
316 Your truck is insured by Smith & Wesson.
317 You sweep up the rice at the wedding and serve it at the reception.
318 You wet the bed and four other people immediately know it.
319 Your daddy has ever said, "You kids run down to the dump and see what they left."
320 A night on the town include city jail.
321 Your flashlight holds more than four batteries.
322 You eat a bowl of beans in order to take a bubble bath.
323 There is a puddle in your driveway year-round.
324 You've ever read the entire Sunday paper sitting in the bathroom.
325 You have orange road cones in your living room.
326 You've ever watched the games warden through your scope.
327 You get your oil changed by your barber.
328 Your car wakes people up when you drive down the street.
329 You can field dress a deer, but can't change a diaper.
330 Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.
331 You check your shirt to spell your name.

401 Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath."
402 Your grandmother, mother, and wife all have kids the same age.
403 You read the "Auto Trader" with a highlight pen.
404 Your bar tab always equals your paycheck.
405 The liquor store knows you by your first name.
406 You run out of beer and your friends go home.
407 Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.
408 You videotape fishing shows.
409 You've ever hit a deer with your car... deliberately.
410 You get homesick watching cops.
411 You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
412 You've ever eaten out of a minnow bucket.
413 You always answer the door with a baseball bat in your hand.
414 You move to another state so you can buy beer on Sundays.
415 You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
416 Your hood ornament used to be a bowling trophy.
417 You've ever been arrested for loitering.
418 You own half of a pickup truck.
419 Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
420 You have your own private booth at the Dairy Queen.
421 You've totaled every car you've owned.
422 The strongest smell in your house is butane.
423 You panicked when Sears discontinued its catalog.
424 There are more than five McDonald's bags currently on the floorboard of your car.
425 There is a hot water bottle hanging from your shower curtain.
426 Your clothesline has at least two splices in it.
427 A full moon reminds you of your mother-in-law pullin' weeds.
428 You've never paid for a haircut.
429 There are more than 4 hats in the rear window of your car.
430 You give "chinette" as a wedding present.

501 The tires on your car don't fit under your fenders.
502 You think A-1 Sauce tastes great on `possum.
503 You think the traffic sign "Merge" is a personal challenge.
504 You burn trash in your Sunday clothes.
505 You have fake fur on your dashboard.
506 You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.
507 Nobody can rebuild an engine like mama.
508 You consider a spotlight hunting equipment.
509 Your car has never had a full tank of gas.
510 You stockpile motor oil.
511 Your favorite cologne is "Blue Tick Hound."
512 You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
513 You've ever had sex while wearing work gloves.
514 Your dog drinks from the toilet and you don't care.
515 Your wheelbarrow breaks and it take three relatives to figure out how to fix it.
516 You call the operator to get the number for 911.
517 Your car alarm eats dog food.
518 You're considered an expert on worm beds.
519 You leave everything in your will to your mule.
520 You make wind chimes out of frozen orange juice lids.
521 You own a pair of knee-high moccasins.
522 You put "horns" on your new bride in your wedding pictures.
523 You have a beer can crusher mounted on the dashboard of your car.
524 You haul more than U-Haul.
525 You buy a police scanner to keep up with your relatives.
526 You showed up drunk for your D.U.I. hearing.
527 You pick your teeth from a catalog.
528 You have a black eye and a hickey at the same time.
529 You've ever made love on top of a dog house.
530 You think Long John Silver if formal underware.
531 When paying for beer, spare pistol shells fall out of your pocket.

601 Everyone in the house learns something from the potty training videotape.
602 You missed high school graduation because your kids were sick.
603 You've ever used a laundromat as a mailing address.
604 You've ever given yourself a social disease.
605 You've ever freshened up with a Slim Jim.
606 On stag night, you take a real deer.
607 You use a screwdriver to open your chewing tobacco.
608 All your relatives would have to die to wipe out illiteracy.
609 There is more oil in your baseball cap than in your car.
610 The man from the power company threatens to cut off your service, and you threaten to cut off something of his in return.
611 Your birth announcements include the words "rug rat."
612 You've ever water-skied in your underware.
613 You pick your nose in line at the bank.
614 You have a tennis ball on your truck antenna.
615 People hear your car a long time before they see it.
616 There are engine parts on your coffee table.
617 You've ever been on television not wearing a shirt.
618 You have a feed store nightgown.
619 You've ever backed down an exit ramp.
620 Your arms are hairless from checking your knife's sharpness.
621 Your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.
622 You use a piece of bread as a napkin.
623 Your dog passes gas and you claim it.
624 The police regularly come to your house to break up a fight, and you live alone.
625 You've ever hitchhiked naked.
626 The highlight of your parties is when you flip out your false teeth.
627 You trim your beard and find a french fry.
628 The biggest sign on your place of business says "Minnows!"
629 Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.
630 It's midnight and everyone on your street knows what album you're playing.

701 Every room in your house is a junk room.
702 You've seen "Walking Tall" more than 50 times.
703 You go fishing with a generator and copper wire.
704 You have an above ground pool and you fish in it.
705 It takes an entire dumpster to clean out your car.
706 People are scared to touch your bathrobe.
707 All your wedding guests were seated on the same side of the church.
708 At the dog track, you always bet on the dog that "does his business" right before the race starts.
709 Your underware doubles as swimming trunks.
710 You've ever committed a crime with a lawn mower.
711 You go to a party and the punch bowl flushes.
712 Your only trip to the dentist was to get your dentures made.
713 The quality of your birthday present depends on how mama finishes in the wet t-shirt contest.
714 Your satellite dish has more square footage than your home.
715 You thought Ned Beatty was sexy in "Deliverance".
716 You've ever had hot flashes at a cattle auction.
717 Your TV gets 512 channels, but you go outside to use the bathroom.
718 Your neighbors refer to a double-wide on a sand mound as "the mansion on the hill."
719 You think the last four words of the National Anthem are "Gentlemen, start your engines!"
720 You made jewelry out of your gallstones.
721 You applied for a job while wearing a stocking cap.
722 You met your wife through a "personal ad" written on the men's room wall.
723 You take a spit cup out on the dance floor.
724 You always use tape to hem your pants.
725 You think cow tipping should be an Olympic sport.
726 Your car burns more oil than gas.
727 The oil stain on your driveway looks like the result of a tanker spill.
728 Somebody hollers "Hoe Down" and your girlfriend hits the floor.
729 You wear tube socks with a dress.
730 Neither your nor your husband's job requires you to wear a shirt.
731 You own a Waffle House credit card.

801 Most of your family have appeared on COPS.
802 The dishwasher and your wife are one and the same.
803 You've ever been accused of lying through your tooth.
804 You've ever walked through a drive-thru window.
805 The beer truck delivers door-to-door in your neighborhood.
806 Your cigarette lighter is your stove.
807 The cleaners inform you that they can't get the sweat stains out.
808 The only scales in your bathroom are leftovers from the fish cleaning.
809 You burn out your clutch in a funeral procession.
810 Your can distinguish between the taste of 'possum and groundhog, blindfolded.
811 Three weeks after the circus, you're still talking about the elephant's accident.
812 Your idea of cleaning house is throwing everything in the back yard.
813 You don't recognize several relatives when they're sober.
814 You've ever used panty hose as a coffee filter.
815 The school principal has you number on speed dial.
816 Your class reunion is a keg party in the woods.
817 You've ever thrown a tailgate party at a tractor pull.
818 You've ever borrowed chewing tobacco from your wife.
819 Your tooth has a cavity.
820 Your property has ever been mistaken for a recycling center.
821 You refer to hot sex as relative humidity.
822 Your horse can count higher than you.
823 You own all of the components of soap on a rope except the soap.
824 You fix holes in your truck with duct tape.
825 You proudly display a collection of automobile-shaped cologne bottles.
826 You go to the ear, nose, and throat doctor to have your finger removed.
827 You think Roe vs. Wade deals with boat ownership.
828 You made a cheat sheet for a hunter safety test.
829 All your Tupperware is old butter containers.
830 You've ever stood outside a bathroom and heckled someone who was inside.
831 Your riding lawn mower has cup holders.

901 Your toothbrush has been in the family for generations.
902 You own a monogrammed minnow bucket.
903 Your truck has ever been the scene of a crime.
904 You play pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey and get 4 teeth kicked out.
905 You've ever plucked a nose hair with a pair of pliers.
906 You have to wash your hands before you go to the bathroom.
907 You wear overalls to save on the cost of shirts and underwear.
908 Your little black book is a string of cocktail napkins.
909 You rip a loud one and blame your date.
910 Your veterinarian is also a taxidermist.
911 You know your daddy's C.B. handle, but not his real name. 912 Your bowling ball cost more than your college education.
913 You use your daughter's wedding as an excuse to buy a new shotgun.
914 Your have a Jack Daniels poster in your living room.
915 You think Liberation was that funny-dressed guy who played the piano.
916 You've talked to your mama on the C.B., but have never met her in person.
917 The sound of a siren sends your family running for the woods.
918 You shave your legs with your husbands fishing knife.
919 The cottage cheese container in your refrigerator holds nightcrawlers.
920 You make your wife ride in the back of the truck so the dog won't get sick.
921 You drive 600 miles to see an image of Elvis that has miraculously appeared in water stains on the ceiling of a trailer.
922 Your first pet was a chicken.
923 The National Guard had to be called out to your last family reunion.
924 Your school colors are camouflage.
925 Your horse lives in a better place than you do.
926 Your chili's secret ingredient comes from a bait shop.
927 Your gun safe is bigger than your refrigerator.
928 Your retirement plans include getting your own place.
929 You have a subscription to "Hound Dogs Today."
930 You practice fishing off your front porch.

1001 You have a refrigerator just for beer.
1002 You clean your hands daily with gasoline.
1003 You have your wife check the depth of the water before you drive your truck through it.
1004 Your belt buckle trips the airport metal detector even when you aren't at the airport.
1005 None of the tires on your car are the same size.
1006 You wouldn't dare go anywhere without jumper cables.
1007 Turning on your lights involves pulling a string.
1008 Your sex life improved with the invention of 4-wheel drive.
1009 All your wall decorations have horns.
1010 Your wife's arms got so big from pushing your car.
1011 You went to the gun and knife show more than once in the same weekend.
1012 The morning after the kids' slumber party, the dogs have fleas.
1013 You've never made up your bed.
1014 Trimming your beard requires lawn equipment.
1015 You buy lard wholesale.
1016 Your lawn furniture used to be your living room furniture.
1017 Any of your children are the result of a conjugal visit.
1018 You can do a moose mating call from an orifice other than your mouth.
1019 Coworkers start a petition over your coffee cup.
1020 One of your top concerns is going to the electric chair.
1021 You have lots of hubcaps on your house, but none on your car.
1022 Your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.
1023 You regularly answer the question "What have you been doing lately?" with "Partying."
1024 You can readily describe the taste of squirrel.
1025 You can take your bra off while driving.
1026 There is not room for one more bumper sticker on your car.
1027 You go to your sister's wedding just to kiss the bride.
1028 Counting sheep makes you more aroused than sleepy.
1029 You were driving a tractor before you could walk.
1030 You stockpile pork & beans.
1031 Trick-or-treaters are scared to come to your door.

1101 The day after Halloween you go around town collecting toilet paper.
1102 You've ever put a six-pack in a casket right before they closed it.
1103 Your family's No.1 enemy is revenuers.
1104 You bought your house at a hail sale.
1105 Your belt buckle doubles as a serving platter.
1106 You stare at a can of frozen orange juice because it says "concentrate."
1107 You use lava soap more than three times a day.
1108 You own a pair of home-made lizard skin boots.
1109 When you see a sign that says "Say No To Crack," it reminds you to pull your jeans up.
1110 Your wife has a Jell-O mold that looks like Elvis.
1111 You have more tattoos than teeth.
1112 You wear cowboy boots with Bermuda shorts.
1113 You have a hook in your shower to hang your hat on.
1114 You've ever been the third through the bathwater.
1115 You've never heard a toilet flush.
1116 You buy your wife tube socks at the flea market.
1117 You don't have a home phone.
1118 You consider orange peels left on the coffee table as potpourri.
1119 Wildlife has ever tried to mate with your clothes.
1120 The family business is called Hubcap City.
1121 You grow flowers in an old commode in your front yard.
1122 You can't take a bath because beer is iced down in your tub.
1123 Your kitchen doubles as a bait store.
1124 Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
1125 You've ever picked up a woman in a convenience store.
1126 You throw a beer can out the truck window and your wife shoots it.
1127 You've ever fed your date french fries in a Denny's.
1128 Going to the laundromat means cleaning out the back of the truck.
1129 You've ever eaten so much your bra hurt you.
1130 Your family reunion features a chewing tobacco spit-off.

1201 You show strangers your war wound.
1202 You stop and pick up furniture others have thrown out.
1203 The "football pool" committee at work has to get a court order to garnish your paycheck.
1204 The rear window of your truck or van is a picture.
1205 You've ever filled your deer tag on a golf course.
1206 When you get stopped for speeding, you wave at your friends passing by.
1207 You own a lava lamp over 5 feet tall.
1208 You use a cow pie for a paper weight.
1209 You regularly give away free puppies.
1210 Your mother owns a Lynyrd Skynyrd tee-shirt.
1211 You refer to your wife and mother-in-law as "Dual Air Bags."
1212 You drive past a cow pasture and roll down your window to get a whiff.
1213 You own Patsy Cline salt and pepper shakers.
1214 Your mother's nickname is Chainsaw, Sawmpdog, or Flea Bed.
1215 You select your date's corsage to match her tattoo.
1216 Your car stereo cost more than the car itself.
1217 You think a house warming is something the KKK does.
1218 Decorating for Christmas means holly on the propane tank.
1219 Every Christmas party includes at least one fight in the front yard.
1220 You won't go to the family Christmas party unarmed.
1221 You hate having to drive to the penitentiary to spend Christmas with Mama.
1222 You use pop-top chains on your Christmas tree.
1223 Your community nativity scene has people wearing camouflage.
1224 You leave a cold one and three pickled eggs for Santa.
1225 Your dogs chase Santa's sleigh.
1226 You have a tattoo that says "Born to bag groceries."
1227 You own a pink flamingo with buck shot holes in it.
1228 You're invited to your cousin's wedding and can't decide which side of the family to sit with.
1229 Your entertainment center is make of boards and concrete.
1230 You own every Box Car Willie album.
1231 You celebrate every night like it's New Year's Eve.