If you are obsessive-compulsive please press 1 repeatedly
If you are codependent please ask someone to press 2
If you have multiple personalities please press 3, 4, 5 and 6
If you are paranoid-delusional we know who you are AND what you want. Just stay on the line while we trace your call.
If you are schizophrenic listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic depressive it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are anal-retentive, press 3, 7, and 4 (simultaneously), then rapidly press 9, 4, 5, 5, 3, star, 7, 5, 1, 6, 4, and then the pound sign twice. Stand on your left foot and await a response.