Crazy!First-year graduate students in the astronomy department at Santa Cruz have the somewhat dubious honor of being the public face for the department, fielding the duties of answering mail from the public and handling phone calls passed down from the department office. There's no real alternative, since their time is worth less than that of faculty members and department staff are often unfamiliar with aspects of the science involved in some of the questions asked. It's not such a bad job. Occasionally we'll get a softball science question that we're more than capable of answering. But most of the time, it's a reporter asking us to comment on the "ufo" witnesses insist they saw floating right where Venus turns out to have been or, in the case when I was asked this specific question, floating in the immediate vicinity of a local airshow which the witness apparently knew about. (Because, let's face it, once you've developed the technology required to tackle the vast interstellar nothingness, you've probably got nothing better to do than buzz the Blue Angels.) The remainder of questions tend to be of an administrative nature that most of us are unqualified for, as can best be illustrated by this exchange, based on a phone conversation I once had with some random guy calling about some event I was never able to identify.
Usually, their idea is based on an actual physical principle, such as Bernoulli's principle, radiation, or E=MC2 (which I'm quite sure is the most misunderstood equation in the history of everything), but then takes some random and unfollowable turn of logic. Occasionally, these nutjobs are capable of producing masterworks of insanity, to wit: TimeCube, the assembled works of Nutty Nancy Lieder, and scientology. More often though, their logical grotesqueries are more modest in scope and intent, of the "E=MC2 BECUASE OF TH MOON! AND WE THERE FOR MUST DESTOROY THE MOOoN!!!" variety.
I imagine these people mass-mail their ramblings to every scientific institution on the planet, then sit back on their porches or whatever, waiting with a smug look of pride for their Nobel Prizes to roll in. They are probably drinking iced tea (but not lemonade. I mean, that's just dumb). I imagine it this way, because I have no other explanation for why these things might wind up on our desks, which they routinely do. One such case is the essay: "The Sun is a Living Body, It Inhales and Exhales." Apparently typed up on an electric typewriter, the entire document is in caps, and suffers from such grammatical and spelling errors--as well as irregular spacing and random boldface--that it gives the impression of a document written entirely under the influence of powerful, psychosis-inducing drugs.
Half acid-trip pseudoscience, half broad vision for a new world order, it's a nearly impenetrable document. Was this generated by a computer gone haywire? Is it some sort of prank? Or is it actually the work of an eighty-something retiree and VFW member. (If it's the latter, I'm going to hell. UPDATE: It is, and I am. :( )
Since there's no obvious copyright statement on the document, and since I don't care nearly enough to actually go look up U.S. copyright law, I'm just going to reproduce it here for your own amusement, spelling errors and all. All I've added are the page numbers, so you can get a feel for how extensive this crazy, crazy document is. I tried to keep the formatting the same as in the document itself, so if it looks a little weird, try fiddling with the window size.
Just for the record, I claim no copyright of this material, reproduce it only at the risk of running afoul of the law yourself.
IT INHALES AND EXHALES
JUST AS YOU DO,THERE IS MATTER IN SPACE,JUST AS THERE IS
MATTER IN THE AIR WE BREATH.
WE TAKE A BREATH OF COMPRESSED AIR AT 14.7 POUNDS PER CUBIC
INCH,HEAT IT,THEN BLOW IT OUT. JUST AS THE SUN PULLS ON SPACE,HEATS MATTER FROMSPACE,THEN
BLOWS IT OUT IN A SOLAR FLARE. WHICH CREATE THEATMOSPHERE
OOF THE SUN.
JUS T AS EARTH BREATHS IN THE ATMOSPHERE OF THE SUN, THEN
EXHALES IN A VOLCANIC ERRUPTION WHICH CREATES THE ATMOSPHERE
A PICTURE OF A SOLAR FLARE SHOWS THE FLARE AS BEING COMPRESSED
BACKAGAINST THE SURFACE OF THE SUN, PROVING THAT THER IS A
FORCE,FROM SPACE,COMPRESSING,THE SUN. JUST AS THE SMOKE RISING
FROM A FIRE ON EARTH. IS COMPRESSED BACK TO EARTH BY ATMOSPH
ERIC PRESSURE, OF 2.116.8 POUNDS PER SQUARE FOOT.
WHENYOU MULTIPLY 14.7 BY 144 SQUARE INCHES IN A SQUARE FOOT,
THERE IS OVER A TON P.S.F. COMPRESSING AAND HOLDING YOU AGAINST
THE SURFACE OF EARTH. WHICH WE CALL A (PULL) OF GRAVITY.
THE GASES AND ASHES FROM A VOLCANIC ERRUPTIONS, ARE COMPRESSED
A HYDROGEN BOMB EXPLOSION, IS COMPRESSED, CREATING A MUSHROOM
SHAPED CLOUD ON TOP OF A STEM UPWARD FROM THE EXPLOSION.
BECAUSE THE WEIGHT OF THE ATMOSPHER OF EARTH,IS FORCING ALL
MATTER AGAINST EARTH,THENTHE WEIGHT OF THE ATMOSPHERE, OF THE
SUN.IS FORCING ALL MATTER IN THE ATMOSPHERE OF THE SUN,AGAINST
THE SUN. INCLUDING EARTH.
THE MOON IS IN THE ATMOSPHERE OF EARTH,AND IS BEING COMPRESSED
BECAUSE STARS AND PLANETS HAVE ATMOSPHERES OF GASES, THEY ARE
LIKE A HARD HAT DIVER IN A DIVING SUIT FILLED WITH COMPRESSED
AIR. IN EFFECT,THE DIVER IS INSIDE ABUBBLE OF AIR. JUST AS
EARTHIN A BUBBLE OF GASES FROM THE ATMOSPHERE OF THE SUN.
THE PLANETS ARE THEN AS BUBBLES IN THE ATMOSPHERE OF THE
SUN. WITHTHE GASESINSIDE A BUBBLE COMPRESSING THEMATTER.
AS A FORCE OF GRAVITY.
BECAUSE THE SUN ABSORBS COLD MATTER FROM SPACE,HEATS THEN
BLOWS IT OUT,WITH EQUAL FORCE IN ALL DIRECTIONS, THE
SUN IS PERFECTLY ROUND.
BECAUSE THE EARTH ABSORBS COLD GASES FROM THE ATMOSPHERE OF THE
SUN, EARTH HEATS THESE GASES,THEN BLOWS THEM OUT WITHE EQUAL FORCE
IN ALL DIRECTIONS, CREATING A PERFECTL ROUND,PLANET IN THE
ATMOSPHERE OF THE SUN. AS A PART OF THE SUNS ATMOSPHERE.
ALL MATTER MATERIALIZES OUT OF COMPRESSED GASES, ON THE
SUN. WHICH IS THE BOTTOM NUCLEAR CORE OF OUR SOLAR SYSTEM
ALL MATTER ON EARTH,ORIGINATED AROUND THE CORE OF EARTH
WHICH COMPRESSED GASES, CREATING MATTER DUE TO COMPRESSION,
BY THE ATMOSPHERE OF EARTH.
WHICH IS BEING COMPRESSED BY THE ATMSPHERE OF THE SUN.
I AM AN 86 YEAR OLD RETIRED COMMERCIAL HARD HAT DIVER.
WHEN MY DIVING SUID HAS AIR PRESSURE EQUAL TO WATER PRESSURE,
I AM WEIGHTLESS FOR ,I AM A PART OF WATER,
JUST AS A FISH, IN BEING COMPRESSED WITH EQUAL FORCE FROM ALL
DIRECTIONS, IS WEIGHTLESS, AND A PART OF WATER.
BECAUSE THE PLANETS ARE DISPLACING THE ATMOSPHERE OF THE
SUN, THEY ARE A PART OF THE SUN'S ATMOSPHERE. WHICH EXTENDS
OUT TO THE ASTEROID LAYER. THAT SEPARATES THE INNER DENSE
PLANETS, FROM THE OUTER GAS PLANETS.
THE ASTEROID LAYER,IS THEN THE TOP OF THE ATMOSPHEREOF THE
SUN.WHERE IT MEETS,THE FORCE OF SPACE,BETWEEN,THE STARS.
ALL MATTER FACING THE SUN, IS FORCED TOWARDS THE SUN.
ALL MATTER FACING THESTARS,IS FORCED TOWARDS THE STARS.
THE ASTEROID LAYER IS THEN A DEAD CALM AS A RING AROUND THE SUN.
ALL MATTER IN THE ASTEROID LAYER, IS WEIGHTLESS FLOATING BETWEEN
THE FORCE FROM THE SUN AND THE FORCE FROM THE STARS.
THE OUTER PLANETS ARE THEN NEW BORN STARS OF COMPRESSED
GASES, WITH LARGE ATMOSPHERES, MAKING THEM LIGHTER,THAN
THE INNER PLANETS. FLOATING ABOVE, THE ATMOSPHER OF THE SUN.
PROVING,THAT THEY ARE LIKEA"DIVER IN A HARD HAD GEAR,
IF MY AIR PRESSURE,IS GREATER,THAN WATER PRESSURE AT MY
LEVEL OF DEPTH, I RISE TOWARDS THE SURFACE,
IF MY AIR PRESSURE,IS LESS,THAN WATER PRESSURE, I SINK TO
MARS HAS ALARGER ATMOSPHER THAN EARTH AND FLOATS HIGHER IN
THE ATMOSPHERE. CLOSE TO THE ASTEROID LAYER.
BECAUSE THE ASTEROID LAYER,IS THE TOP OF THE ATMOSPHERE
OF THE SUN AND THE ASTEROID ARE DENSE AND SOLID, THE AST
EROID LAYER IS A NEGATIVE GROUND FOR TH POSITIVE FOR OF
COMPRESSION, BU SPACE FORCE THERE IS ELECTRICITY RADI
ATING FROM THE ASTEROID LAYER. AS STAR LIGHT AGAINST THE
STAR LIGHT FROM SURROUNDING STARS IN OUR GALAXIE.
BECAUSE OF THELARGE DIAMETR OF THE ASTEROID LAYER, AS THE
TOP OF THESUN'S ATMOSPHERE. JUST A SMALL FRACTION OF COMP
RESSION, WOOULD BOTTOM OUT AT THE SUN,WITH TREMENDUOS FORCE,
FOR THE PRESSURE INCREASES WITH DEPTH THROUGH SPACE,JUST AS
IT INCREASES WITHDEPTH THROPUGH THE ATMOSPHERE OF EARTH,
TO THE CORE OF EARTH AND JUST AS IT INCREASE THROUGH WATER.
TO SOLID EARTH,UNDER WATER.
ALL MATTER ON EARTH AND ITS ATMOSPHERE, IS COMPRESSED,BETWEEN
THE CORE OF EARTH AND THE ATMOSPHERE OF EARTH,
JUST AS ALL MATTER IN OUR SOLAR SYSTEMIS COMPRESSED,BETWEEN
TH E SUN AND THEASTEROID LAYER.
FOR THOSE WHO SAY THAT THERE IS NO PRESSURE IN THE SEA OF
SPACE, LET ME TELL YOU,THAT THERE IS ONLY ONE PLACE WHERE
THE COMPRESSIVE FORCE UPON THESUN COULD COME FROM AND THAT
IS FROM THE SEA OF SPACE,THAT SURROUNDS ALL MATTER IN
SPACE,JUST AS THE WATER IN THESEAS OF EARTH COMPRESSES
ALL MATTER IN THE SEA
BECAUSE ALL MATTER IN THE SEAS OF EARTH,AND IN THE SEA OF
SPACE,IS COMPRESSED,WITH EQUAL FORCE, FROMALL DIRECTION.
THE STARS AND PLANETS ARE WEIGHTLESS. AND ARE A PARE OF
THE SEA OF SPACE.
THE ASTEROID LAYER IS VERY HIGH IN ENERGY, FOR THIS IS WHERE
THE FORCE FROM THE SUN,COLLIDES WITH THE FORCE OF SURROUNDING
STARS, CAUSING MATTER TO BE ELECTROCUTED AND FALL APART INTO
ASTEROIDS,THAT ARE WEIGHTLESS,BETWEEN,THE FORCE OF THE SUN
AND STARS,XXXXXXXXJUST AS MATTER ENTERING THE ATMOSPHERE OF
EARTH, FROM THE ATMOSPHERE OF THE SUN, CAUSING A LOSS OF RADIO
WITHA SPACE CRAFT AND THE HEAT AS TH CRAFT IS PASSING THROUGH
A FIELD OF ELECTRICITY, THAT SEPARATES,TH ATMOSPHERE OF EARTH
WHICH IS DENSER, THAN THE ATMOSPHERE OF THE SUN.
BECAUSE THE FORCE OF SPACE IN THE ATMOSPHERE OF THE SUN IS AT
THE SPEED OFLIGHT, IT SLOWS TOWARD THE CORE AND STOPS FROM
ALL DIRECTIONS, CREATING A NUCLEUS, WITH A RECIPROCAL FORCE,
EQUAL TO THE SPEED OF LIGHT OUTWARD,AGAINST THE ATMOSPHERE
OF THE SUN
THE NUCLEUS MUST BE OF LIQUIFIED GOLD FOR AN ATOMIC PART OF GOLD
HAS NO NUCLEUS. WICH SPACE AROUND THE CORE AS AN ATOM
THE MOON IS IN THE ATMOSPHERE OF EARTH, BETEEN, THE EARTH
AND THE ATMOSPHER OF THE SUN.
THE MOON IS THEN COMPRESSED INTO THE DENSER ATMOSPHER OF
EARTH,AND FLOATS,WITH HALF IN THE ATMOSPHERE OF EARTH, AND
HALF IN THE ATMOSPHERE OF THE SUN.
JUST AS A SHIP IN WATER. WITH HALF THE SHIP IN WATER, AND HALF
IN THE ATMOSPHERE.
BECAUSE THE MOON STOPS THE COMPRESSIVE FORCE OF THE ATMOSPHERE
OF THE SUN, THE MOON EXERTS A FORCE UPON WATER, CREATING A LOW
TIDE UNDER THE MOON TWICE A DAY AS EARTH SPINS WITH ONE SIDE
ALWAYS FACING THE SUN AND THEOPPOSITE SIDE FACING THE STARS,
WHICH IS WHY WE SEE SUN LIGHT DURING THE DAY,AND STARS AT NIGHT.
PROVING,THAT THEMOON DOES NOT PULL ON THE WATERS OF EARTH.
THE WEIGHT OF OVER A TON OF ATMOSPHERIC PRESSURE,UPON THE
SURFACE OF WATER ,CREATES ENERGY, BETWEEN THE WATER AND AIR.
WHICH IS WHY WHENY SLAP THE SURFACE OF WATER, YOUGET A STING,
LIKE AN ELECTRIC SHOCK,FOR THE WATER IS NEGATIVE,AND THESLAP IS
POSITIVE, WHICH ARE THE PROPERTIES OF ELECTRICITY.AS A LAYER OF
FORCE,RECIPROCAL FORCE,AND COMPRESSION,WHICH CREATE THE UNIVERSE.
IN 1935 I WAS FRESH OUT OF BOOT CAMP AND ON A BATTLE SHIP
WYOMING, I WAS PAINTING THE SIDE OF THE SHIP AS IT LAY ALONG
SIDE THE DOCK. BECAUSE THE SHIP WAS AGAINST THE DOCK, I THOUGHT
I COULD PAINT NO LOWER THANDOCK LEVEL
THE BOATSWAIN WAS WATCHING ME AND SAID, PUSHIT OUT. I THOUGHT
HEMUST BE NUTS,SOHE REPEATED,PUSH IT OUT, I PUSHED,AND THE
GIANT SHP MOVE OUT FROM THE DOCK,BECAUSE IT WAS HALF IN THE
ATMOSPHERE AND HALF IN THE WATER, CAUSING IT TO BE AS WEIGHTLESS
AS THEMOON,HALF IN THE ATMOSPHER OF EARTH, AND HALF IN THE
ATMOSPHERE OF THE SUN.
IN 1939 THE CRUISER OMAHA RANAGROUND AND I WAS ON A SUBMARINE SALVAGE
SHIP, SO WE WENT TOPULL IT INTODEEPER WATER,THERE WERE DESTROY
ERS. MAKING WAVES, THWAVES RAISED THE SHIP A FEW INCHES, MAKING
IT WEIGHTLESS, SHOWING THAT ONLY ANINCHOF WATER,BETWEEN THE
SURFACE OF EARTHANDTHE SHIP MADE IT WEIGHTLESS.
JUST AS THE MOON IS WEIGHTLESS BETWEEN,THE ATMOSPHERE OF EARTH
AND THE ATMOSPHERE OF THESUN.
THE CAUSE OF CREATION IS A COMBINATION OF A PULL
AND COMPRESSION, AS A PUSH.
THE SUN CAN NOT PULL, UNLESS THERE IS A RESIATANCE
TO THE PULL.
THE SUN CAN NOT PUSH, UNLESS THERE IS A RESIATANCE
TO A PUSH.
FOR EVERY FORCE,THERE IS A RECIPRCCAL FORCE.
WHEN THERE IS BOTH A PUSH AND A PULL, MATTER IS
GLUED TOGETHR CREATING THE BINDING FORCE OF THE UNIVERSE
PROVING, THAT FORCE AND RECIPROCAL FORCE CAUSE COMPRESSION.
OF MATTER AGAINST OTHER MATTER.AS THE BINDING FORCE.
AS MATTER IS BEING COMPRESSED INTO A MASS, THE MATTER IN
HAVING GREATER DENSITY, CAN PULL ON SPACE BETWEEN MATTER,
AND IT CAN REPELL OTHER MATTER CREATING EMPTY SPACE
WETHEER MATTER IS PULLED TOGETHER, OR COMPRESSED TOGETHER,
DOES NOT MATTER, FOR BY ELIMINATING SPACE,BETWEEN MATTER
YOU HAVE GOLD,
GOLD WEIGHT 2.110 POUNDS PER CUBIC FOOT
THE ATMSOPHERE WEIGHS 2.116.8 POUNDS PER SQUARE FOOT.
BECAUSE THERE IS NO SPACE, IN A CUBIC FOOT OF GOLD.
AND THERE IS NO MATTER,IN EMPTY SPACE, GOLD AND SPACE
ARE OPPOSING FORCES.
GOLD (PUSHES) AGAINST SPACE,AND SPACE PUSHES AGAINST GOLD.
THE WEIGHT OF THE ATMOSPHERE UPON GOLD, IS CAUSING THE
WEIGHT OF GOLD, AGAINST, THE SURFACE OF EARTH, MAKING
THE GOLD A PART OF EARTH. FOR THERE IS NO SPACE, BETWEEN
THE SURFACE OF EARTH AND THE GOLD MAKING GOLD A PART OF EARTH.
PROVING. THAT FORCE, RECIPROCAL FORCE, AND COMPRESSION.
CAUSE GRAVITY AND CREATE THE UNIVERSE.
(NOTHING CAN (MOVE) OR BE(CREATED)
(WITHOUT) THE FORCES OF CREATION,
WHICH ARE, FORCE, RECIPROCAL FORCE, AND COMPRESSION.
THAT IS THE ABSOLUTE TRUTH.
NOW, CREATE (SOME THING) WITHOUT THESE FORCES,TO
PROVE ME WRONG.
THAT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO DO.
BECAUSE WE ARE A PART OF THE BODY OF AIR UPON EARTH,
WE ARE LIKE A TINY VIRUS, THAT IS DESTROYING EARTH.
WE HAVE POLUTED,THE AIR, THE WATER, AND THE SOIL,
EVERYTHING WE DO,EFFECTS THEATMOSPHERE, FOR WE ARE A
PART OF THE ATMOSPHERE.
WE SEND RADIO AND .T.V. THROUGH THE ATMOSPHERE OF EARTH.
AND THROUGH THE ATMOSPHERE OF THE SUN, FOR EARTH IS A
PART OF THE SUN'S ATMOSPHERE.
EVERY THING THAT HAPPENS IN THE ATMOSPHER OF EARTH,
HAS AN EFFECT, ON THE ATMOSPHERE OF THE SUN.
THE GREATES THREAT TO EARTH,IS THE POPULATION EXPLOSION.
FOR WE ARE DESTROYING EARTH.
WE MUST PASS A WORLD LAW. STATING THAT IF A NATION, HAS
MORE PEOPLE, THAN IT CANFEED,THEYMUST NO BREED MORE,THAN
THEY CAN FEED.
THIS SHOULD ALSO APPLY TO FAMILIES.
THE TEN COMMANDMENTS SHOULD BE POSTED IN ALL SCHOOLS ALL OVER
NOT AS A RELIGION BUT AS HOW TO BEHAVE AND TREAT OTHER PEOPLE.
FOR YOUR ACTIONS HAVE AN EFFECT ON OTHERS.
WE ARE ONE PEOPLE,ON ONE PLANET, NEEDING ONE DEFENSE
FOR ALL, NOT ONE DEEFENSE FOR EACH (LEADER) WHICH CAUSES
WE MUST CREATE A G.O.D.XXXXA Government of Defense
AS THE UNITED NATIONS.
THEN LET G. O.D. DECIDE ISSUES BETWEEN )LEADERS.
FOR LEADERS WHO CAUSE WARS, ARE WOKING FO THE DEVIL. NOT
FOR THE GOOD OF HUMANITY. FOR WAR CREATES HELL ON EARTH WHERE
EVERY ONE OF THE TEN COMMANDMENTS ,ARE BROKEN.
LEADERS OPPOSED TO ABORTIONS,WANT MORE PEOPLEOF PEOPLE ARE
POWER AND WEALTH FOR LEADERS IN RELIGION ANDPOLITICS.
CHINA AND INDIA ARE TRYING TO STOP THIER POPULATION EXPLOSION.
THE REST OF THE WORLD MUST DO THE SAME.
A LEADER CAUSING A WAR,MUST BE PUT ON TRIAL BEFORE (OUR)
G. O. D. FOR JUSTICE
So that's where it ends. This is all I found (it was one of a handful of items left in the desk I inherited when I moved into the department), though there may have been more. No one around here seems to know where it came from though, and since I have no desire to get in contact with the original author, I'll just assume it's complete.|
At first, I had misgivings about posting this (particularly my jackass commentary above) as it reminds me of the sort of heavy-handed intellectual elitism I so despise in others. But then I reread the part on page whatever where the guy writes "THAT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO DO" and I imagined him standing up from his keyboard and shaking his fists at the sky: "Take THAT! stupid scientists!" and I started laughing. Then I stopped laughing, because it reminded me of the willful ignorance of science that pervades society (see again, for example, Nutty Nancy Lieder), and I got all pissed off, which finally made me decide to post it after all. Hope you enjoyed.
And then there was more...Oh, holy god, was there more.
I had originally attempted to cut out all references the author makes to himself for two reasons: One, I was under the impression that he wouldn't want undue attention drawn to his ramblings and possible alcoholism; and two, the aforementioned copyright uncertainties. However, we recently received two more versions of his little "pearls of nutcaseness.1" Both are stamped multiple times with his name and address, as well as other miscellaneous contact information and exhortations to "publish these few pages in the newspapers and magazines at no cost to you." I don't quite agree that newspapers or magazines would be keen on picking up his story, and scientific print journals usually charge a publication fee, so we'll let the internet take up the task of making his thoughts freely available to the information-starved public.
First, there's his expanded followup article: Gravity, Gold and U.N. Government Of Defense called the Almighty G.O.D.
Linked here in PDF format. Upon reading through it, it actually appears to be a series of articles, including the particularly eye-opening "Why the space shttle columbia burned in our atmosphere" (hint: something to do with static electricity. I think.) and "How we get fresh drinking water" (hint: just like how we get moonshine, apparently.)
Then there's something which looks like a bit like a press release, complete with a bonus article on "Why the Moon does not spin" and containing several certificates from organizations with presumably lax admissions standards. Again, linked in PDF format: here.
I have some misgivings about posting this information, as the guy who wrote it down clearly believes strongly in his writings. So if you take it upon yourself to dig through his writings, please refrain from prank calling the guy or going through the various other motions of immaturity.
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